How to Set Boundaries at Work (Without Saying No)

I received this submission in my Coaching Corner:

“Encouraging my husband to set stronger boundaries with work so he's more available and less drained at home.”

My response:

I feel this. This situation sounds hard on you both. We want to work to live, not live to work, right?

Setting boundaries is tough for most people. While saying "No" is probably the most effective, it can be really hard. Especially for people pleasers (I'm one of those people!). It can go against their core values of wanting to help others, feeling useful, and making an impact.

Unfortunately, those extra minutes turn into hours, and extra projects turn into a second job. I’ve been there. As an ambitious 32 year old, I was at the office until 9pm and on Sundays, all on my own accord.

So what changed for me? A coach asked if I wanted to be this person, who was so exhausted and being whittled down by my work like pencil shavings. Quite the visual! My answer: NO! (Oh, the irony, that I can say NO to that...).

It was a gradual change, but I committed to it and made it happen. Here are some ideas for your husband to consider and for you to support him through:

Acknowledge the problem - Does your husband realize his overcommitment at work is impacting his health and your relationship? Have you ever heard him say, “I work too much. I need to set better boundaries… etc.” If he doesn’t truly believe that the way he works is an issue, then there is no change that can happen.

Be willing to change - OK, so he knows it’s a problem, but does he believe he can change his situation? Or is he defeatedly saying “That’s the job. I can’t do anything about it,” or “I’ve tried to set boundaries before. It never works.” Help him understand that change doesn’t happen overnight, and he has to stick with it to see a difference.

Reassess work activities - It’s likely that over time, he’s accumulated a lot of responsibilities at work. Similar to spring cleaning, it’s time to dump everything in one place and decide what stays and what goes. He can look at his week, make a list of every meeting/task, and decide what doesn’t need to be there anymore. I realized I didn’t need to be in as many meetings, create as many reports, and be the go-to person for basic marketing questions.

Communicate the change to others - Once you reprioritize, it’s important that you don’t just drop the less important things. You need to communicate what you won’t be doing and why. This can also help your colleagues understand how to involve you in the future, so you can avoid having to say NO, again and again. For example, I shared I would no longer attend a Product meeting and would be sending a senior team member who would represent my team and highlight any urgent matters to me. Bonus: It was a growth opportunity for my team member and it saved me a lot of time every week.

Block time on the calendar for you - When your work calendar is going from meeting to meeting, task to task, it’s hard to find time to have lunch or even take a bathroom break. I recommend putting 1 hour blocks for lunch every day, and maybe 30 minutes in the afternoon for you to recharge. If you don’t control your calendar, others will.

Resist the urge to say yes - You are your own worst enemy with your desire to say yes to people. Now that you’ve cleared some space in your day, you’ll be tempted to fill it back up. This is where your discipline, acknowledgement of the problem, and willingness to change becomes really important. Remind yourself what’s at stake. Before you raise your hand and say yes, think about how this fits into your reassessed work list.

Try different ways of saying no - It’s hard for many people to actually say the words, "no." It might feel like you’re letting people down. I like to use these other powerful phrases that signal the same idea of a “No” but aren’t necessarily no. “Let me think about it.””How would you prioritize this against X.” “How important is this to you/us/business?” “I have a lot on my plate and it might take a while for me to get back to you on this.” “I can’t get to this right now. Can we discuss this next week?” In some cases, you’re buying more time for you to do it on your own terms, which can make all the difference.

Set up a process to get your help - If you’re actually in high demand, you can set up a form for people to fill out to get your help. Not only does this keep your work organized, but it naturally weeds out the people who are unwilling to take extra time for your help, and makes others realize you have a lot on your plate. Bonus: If you link resources to your form, they may figure out the answer on their own.

Turn off Slack notifications after work - Ping! Ping! Whoosh! Whoosh! There’s nothing quite like the sound of text messages and Slack notifications at the dinner table. I definitely recommend logging off of Slack after work, or checking it maybe once (if you must), but not all night long. If nothing else, having your husband put down his phone for two hours after he’s home from work would make him more present.

Suggest getting a part-time contractor - Maybe with the layoffs, your husband is actually having to do multiple people's jobs. While the company can't afford to hire a full-time person, he could see if a part-time contractor could help out with the many tasks that are on his plate now.

The reality is that work is very stressful for many people right now, and it may feel like our jobs are constantly on the line. That said, you can still set some boundaries without coming off as selfish, uncommitted, or unreliable, AND be respected, accountable, and recognized as a team player. It requires patience, consistency, and commitment to make this change in order to become more present in the rest of your life.

Good luck! Hoping for a better outcome for you.